[Neil is about to pick up the phone when it stops ringing.]

[Rick sulks. Neil dumps the contents of the kitchen garbage can on the table in front of Vyvyan]

[Vyv, Neil, and Mike put their money on the table]

[Rick has the belt around his neck and has climbed upon a chair. He is trying unsuccessfully to attach his noose to the ceiling]

[Exasperated, Rick gives up on hanging himself and jumps down from the chair. He grabs a large bottle of pills, shows it to the others, and starts stuffing pills into his mouth]

[Vyv starts hanging around looking expectantly at Rick's bum]

[The camera zooms in suddenly on a box of matches on a shelf]

[Clanging noise heard as Neil comes running panicked down the stairs]

[Shot of the guys from directly above. Cut to SCENE: a Victorian scientist, Dr. Carlisle, in his study, looking through a microscope]

[The maid, Janet, enters bearing a tray]

[Dr. Not-the-Nine-O'Clock-News enters the study]

[Dr. Not-the-Nine-O'Clock-News leads an elephant into the room]

[SCENE: back to the guys' house, where Mike, Neil, and Vyv are battling Vyv's sock]

[The sock attacks Neil, who jumps out of the way]

[Vyv begins hitting the sock with a cast-iron frying pan]

[Smoke and unearthly screams from the dead sock]

[Closeup on the guys' feet as they run up the stairs. Immediately the light comes up, a cock crows, and closeup on their feet as they run down the stairs. The guys alight in the living room. The actors are all in the wrong characters and costumes, however: Christopher Ryan is Neil; Rik Mayall is Vyv; Nigel Planer is Rick; Ade Edmonson is Mike.]

[Rick takes off his hat, and Neil's long hair tumbles out]

[They all jump up into the air -- BOING -- and disappear...]
[NEW SCENE: They reappear, landing on a city street outside the laundrette. The actors are now back in their characters.]

[They enter the laundrette. Vyv's dust-bin liner full of laundry emits green smoke. A pair of knickers is too slow in following him. Vyv points at the knickers -- "Oi!''-- and they fly into the laundrette after him. Several people flee the laundrette, choking and gagging.]

[SCENE: in the laundrette.]

[Neil stuffs laundry into a washing machine, which spits it back out.]

[All the washing machines in the row slam shut their doors one by one as Vyv approaches]

[The machine makes a lecherous sound and opens its door.]

[The guys stuff their laundry into the machine, which gags and shakes in protest. The others hold the door shut as Mike reads the operating instructions.]

[Neil collects some sludgy bits and tastes them. He looks surprised, and eats some more.]

[All action stops suddenly]

---

[SCENE: The guys are back sitting dejectedly at the kitchen table.]

[Close up on Mike, with ***several frames from "The End" of Carry On Cowboy edited in]

[Rick, Vyv, and Mike jump from their chairs]

[MOTORHEAD appears in the living room playing "Ace of Spades" as the guys rush off. Scenes of the band playing are interspersed with the guys' antics in King's Cross Station (London) as they rush for the train, in a parody of "A Hard Day's Night":

• Rick steals a magazine from a kiosk but ends up paying for it anyway;
• the guys run through a door marked "No Entry";
• Vyv grabs a plastic-wrapped doughnut from a snack bar counter, stuffs the entire thing in his mouth, and gives the cashier a "screw you" sign;
• Neil is impatient waiting for his photo booth pictures;
• Mike enjoys a gin & tonic, but when he turns his wrist to check his watch, spills the drink on himself;
• Vyv and Rick ride the luggage cart; they get on the train with moments to spare.]

[SCENE: Rick and Neil on the train, scenery whizzing by. Papers are spread out on the table before them. Rick is casually fixing his hair while Neil nervously shuffles the papers.]

[Vyv (carrying two coffee cups) and Mike enter the car. Vyv briefly gets stuck in the automatic door. They sit down.]

[SCENE: Vyvyan next to the train door. There is a window with a sign above it.]

[Vyv leans out the window and the train goes into a tunnel. He is decapitated, with appropriate screams and blood gushing from his head. He pulls the emergency cord.]

[SCENE: back to the other three guys as the train stops]

[SCENE: Outside on the tracks, Vyv's headless body is stumbling around. Vyv's head is on the ground, shouting directions.]

[Vyv's body kicks his head along like a football]
[SCENE: Back in the train car]

[SCENE: Outside by the engine car. Mexican bandits are holding the Train Driver at gunpoint.]

It's quite interesting, you know, the number of biscuits that are named after revolutionaries. You've got your Garibaldi, of course, you've got your Bourbons, then of course you've got your Peek Freens Trotsky Assortment.

[sings] "Revolutionary biscuits of Italy / Rise up out of your box! / You have nothing to lose but your wafers / Yum yum yum yum yum!"

[pause] I never really wanted to be a train driver, you know. I mean, they told me while at school, if I got two CSEs, when I left school I'd be head of British Steel. That's a lot of nonsense, ennit? I mean, you look at statistics, right. 83% of top British management have been to a public school and Oxbridge, right? 93% of the BBC have been to a public school and Oxbridge, right? 98% of the KGB have been to a public school and Oxbridge. All you get from a public school, right -- one, you get a top job, right, and two, you get an interest in perverse sexual practices. I mean, that's why British management's so inefficient. As soon as they get in the boardroom, they're all shutting each others' dicks in the door! "Go on, give it another slam, Sir Michael!" BAM! OW OW OW! "Come on, Sir Geoffrey, let's play the Panzer commander and the millkmaid, EW EW EW EW! YOO HOO!"

[Establishing shot of a Rolls-Royce driving out of Footlights College. SCENE: Back seat, four rich kids: Kendal Mintcake, Miss Money-Sterling, Lord Snot, and Lord Monty.]

[SCENE: Vyv, Neil, Rick, and Mike, covered in mud and hitchhiking at the side of the road.]

[SCENE: Lobby of a television studio. A Security Guard (Mel Smith)stands at the desk. The guys walk in.]

[Rick gives him the 2-finger salute]

[Bambi enters]

[Neil is crying softly]

[on his way out, Vyv leaves the pig-ferret with the guard]

---

[SCENE: the University Challenge studio. The contestants sit along two tiers: Scumbag College on the top, Footlights on the bottom. Theme music plays.]

[Cut to preppy audience, all dressed alike in school blazers and scarves, with a Footlights banner. One holds a teddy-bear.]

[Cut to Vyv's hamster, Special Patrol Group, sitting in the audience.]

[Audience boos. Close up of SPG and teddy-bear]

[Neil buzzes in]

[Lord Monty buzzes in]

[Lord Snot buzzes in]

[Neil buzzes in and waves his arms]

[Kendal Mintcake buzzes in]

[Miss Money-Strerling buzzes in]

[Vyv accidentally buzzes in while dissembling his microphone]

[Lord Snot buzzes in]

[BOOM the Footlight team is demolished.]

[Mike buzzes in]

[audience boos and pelts the Scumbag team with garbage. Suddenly, a gigantic eclair falls from the sky and crushes the guys.]
[SCENE: Dr. Carlisle's study. He is chatting with the elephant. The eclair has fallen off the box onto the microscope slide.]

[the Young Ones theme music and credits start and continue over the rest of the show]

[SCENE: Dr. Not-the-Nine-O'Clock-News is talking intimately to a stuffed bird]

[SCENE: Janet, the maid, is holding Bacon Sandwich on her lap]