Young Ones Scripts

Young Ones Scripts

The Young Ones - Nasty

Written by Ben Elton, Rik Mayall and Lise Mayer.

Additional material by Alexei Sayle

Written by Ben Elton, Rik Mayall, and Lise Mayer

Additional material by Alexei Sayle

BBC, 1984

[OPENING SCENE: A man is playing chess with the Grim Reaper. They are outside; the wind howls as mist wanders by]

[Man has just moved a piece]

 MAN: Checkmate. And why not?

[The Reaper analyses the board]

REAPER: Check mate?! Hmmmm!

[Gets up and with a wave clears the board of pieces]

REAPER: Bollocks to this!

[The Reaper gets up and swings his sickle as if to cut off Man's head, but blocks our view. FADE TO BLACK (by zooming into the Reapers black outfit)]

[DISSOLVE to TITLES, which are done as slick horror film. Animated Halloweenish scape of a stormy graveyard. Captions appear as red dripping letters while creepy music plays. Animated stills of the Players appear as sub-captions are added]

The Young Ones


(as a vampire)

Adrian Edmonson -- Fear will freeze you when you face...

(with red glowing eyes and goatee, being hanged)

Rik Mayall -- Not very nice at all!

(sticking out a black tongue)

Nigel Planer -- Worse than one of those little blue crunchy things!

(with grimace and scar)

Christopher Ryan -- He begins where Jackanory left off!

(appearing to scream)

Alexei Sayle -- A bit like something out of a horror movie!


NASTY -- The ultimate in ... Thingy!

(Filmed in HORROSCOPE)
[TITLES drip away, as we hear an evil music-box variation of the YOUNG ONES theme]
[SCENE: A dim graveyard. It is raining. The 4 Boys are approaching, carrying a coffin. Well, all but Mike, who is mocking their posture and steps, but not supporting any weight]

VYVYAN: I still don't see why we have to dig the grave, carry the coffin, and ...everything else.

NEIL: Well we are sort of responsible for his being in this position in the first place.

VYVYAN: Liberal!

RICK: You should have heard me at the undertakers, Mike! [[Snort!]] I made all these fabulous jokes about the undertaker coming 'round to measure my stiffie! [[Snort!]]

NEIL: I thought maybe we should have some, like, floral tribute, but all I could find was this carrot. So I borrowed Rick's Biro

RICK: You rented it, Neil You rented it! And you still haven't paid!

NEIL: ...yeah, and I wrote on it, "Sorry about everything being a bit of a bummer, you know, what with you dying and everything, but still, things could have been worse. You could have been me and ended up having a really bad time all of the time, signed, Neil".

MIKE: That's very touching, Neil.

VYVYAN: When my hamster finds out you've nicked his carrot, he's gonna kill you Neil.

NEIL: Was it SPG's? I didn't know he ate carrots.

VYVYAN: He doesn't eat carrots, Neil! He sticks 'em down his underpants to impress the girls. Wait a minute! We've missed the grave.

[Coffin manoeuvres in the dark]

RICK: Neil, Neil. Move the spade.

[A strange smiling woman walks by pushing a wheelbarrow with a body in it]

MRS. SMILEY: Do you dig graves?

NEIL: Yeah, yeah they're all right, yeah.

MRS. SMILEY: I'm so glad! I think they're wonderful!

[Woman picks up and departs. A Vicar enters, quite drunk]

VICAR: What-ho. ah, I-I'm the vicar.

VYVYAN: Well you'd better be, or else you'd look right girlie in that dress.

VICAR: [pokes Vyv in the eye] Right. Anyone tell the stiffie joke?

VYVYAN: Yes. Rick has.

VICAR: Yeah, well, forget about that then. Right. C'mon, let's get on with it, then; let's get it over with. Oh, bloody hell.

[As everyone takes their places around the open grave, the Vicar pulls out a small metal flask and starts slurping]

RICK: Crikey, it's a bit early for that, isn't it?

VICAR: My God, you're right!

[drops the flask, spilling the contents, then pulls out a large whiskey bottle]

Better get some of this down me before I have any of that, for starters.

[takes a big gulp; bottle and Bible in same hand]Right, now, um, oh, yes! Ashes to ashes....

RICK: [singing]: ...Funk to funky, we know Major Tom's a junkie....

VICAR: [Grabs Rick by the collar]: Shaddup!

[Vicar gives Rick a solid head butt; Rick falls in.]

RICK: Help! I've just fallen in to a grave!

VYVYAN: Brilliant! Let's fill it in! [Grabs the shovel from Neil]

NEIL: No! No! You can't bury Rick alive!

VYVYAN: That's absolutely correct, Neil. We'll have to kill him first!

[Vyv mashes the shovel with a rude, dull, clang]


[Two grave diggers enter]
GRAVEDIGGER#1: Right! Stop everything, right? Who dug this grave?

GRAVEDIGGER#2: Where'd ya nick all this gear from?

GRAVEDIGGER#1: Yeah, we dig the graves around here, right! If any graves dug on these premises, they get dug by.... [Notices "us"] What's this camera? Is this Game For A Laugh?

GRAVEDIGGER#2: Have you killed someone as a prank?

RICK: [rising from the grave]: No we have not, now will you please BUGGER OFF! This is a serious funeral!

GRAVEDIGGER#1: Anyone uh, told the stiffie joke yet?



GRAVEDIGGER#2: Na, c'mon. Tell us what's going on.

VYVYAN: Well, it's a long story.....

[WAVY DISSOLVE as actors move their bodies to mimic the effect, TO:]

[SCENE: Back at the house, looking at the closed bathroom door. Rick comes out, dressed in a robe, looking clean and combed for once]

RICK: Neil! The bathrooms free! Unlike the country under the Thatcher-ite junta!

[Rick turns and steps to exit, trips over Neil, who is sitting on the floor with a cheap blue shower cap on his head]
RICK: [worriedly]: What are you doing down there, Neil?

NEIL: [sounding depressed]: Queuing.

RICK: How long have you been there?

NEIL: 30 years.

RICK: You've been listening, haven't you Neil? You've been squatting there listening to what I've been doing in the bath! Is that how you get your kicks these days? It is, isn't it, you little perv-y!

NEIL: I wasn't listening. Anyway, what were you doing?

RICK: I wasn't doing anything.

NEIL: Well, I can't have heard anything, can I?

RICK: And anyway Neil, don't think that me, Mike and Vyvyan don't know exactly what you get up to in there. So I wouldn't go around spilling the beans if I was you!

NEIL: [now very worried]: What do you know about the beans?

RICK: Everything!

[RICK, confidant that he'd won, marches to his bedroom, then stops, reconsiders, and turns back to Neil, who has picked up his guitar and his Thermos and is entering the bathroom]

What beans?

NEIL: Oh. Nothing. Ha, Ha, Ha. No beans! Ha ha.

[Neil is closing the door, but Rick forces himself in]

RICK: Listen Neil, I don't have time to stand around here all night being subjected to your revolting innuendoes! Do you want that bath water or not?

NEIL: Uh...

RICK: You haven't got much of a choice, actually, because there's no more hot water.

NEIL: [looks]: Well, it's a bit cloudy, Rick.

[We see a shot of a disgustingly dirty tub, filled with horrible, thick black sludge]

RICK: Well, don't look at me Neil. Vyvyan had the bath before me and Mike had it before him, and anyway Neil, the whole thing is left over from the bath you had last Tuesday. So stop being so bloody picky; that's your filth!

NEIL: I hate bath night. Oh well, here goes.

[NEIL is off-camera. We hear a great slurp as NEIL gets in. Rick gets hit in the face with a bit of sludge that splashes out]

It's a bit cold!

RICK: Oh come off it Neil! Where's your spunk!

[SCENE: Mike and Vyv are one the floor in the drawing room. There is a videotape player on the floor, and video cassette boxes are everywhere. Mike has some instructions in his hand.]

MIKE: Right. That's it. "Your video is now ready for use. Insert cassette, rewind to beginning of tape, and press play. Happy viewing!"

VYVYAN: Ha ha ha!! They wouldn't say that if they knew what video we've got! Right!

[Mike and Vyv turn towards the TV which is showing nothing but lines and noise.]

MIKE: Well, I don't call this a new era in televisual entertainment.

VYVYAN: No. I call it very, very dull!

MIKE: Must have gone wrong somewhere.


MIKE: Maybe you shouldn't have poured all of that washing-up liquid in it.

VYVYAN: But it says here, Michael look, "Ensure machine is clean, and free from dust"!

MIKE: Yeah, but it don't say, "Ensure the machine is full of washing-up liquid"!

VYVYAN: No, but it doesn't say, "Ensure the machine isn't full of washing-up liquid"!

MIKE: Well, it wouldn't would it! I mean, it doesn't say, "Ensure you don't chop up your video machine with an axe, put all the bits in a plastic bag, and bung 'em down the lavatory"!

VYVYAN: Doesn't it? Well maybe that's what's going wrong!

[picks it up as if to start following these new instructions]

MIKE: [yelling] OI! VYV! VYV! Put it down! Put it down! [Vyvyan just drops the player] That's worth 500 pounds! I'm minding it for Harry the Bastard!

VYVYAN: Who's he then? A gangster?

MIKE: No, he's a bloke that works at Rumbelow's.

[SCENE: Neil is in the tub, looking depressed, and strumming a minor chord on his guitar. Rick barges in and throws a towel off camera, perhaps in a hamper, oblivious to Neil. Rick suddenly notices the overhead light.]

RICK: Neil, is it really necessary to have the light on when you're in the bath?

NEIL: Well... yeah!

RICK: Why, what are you planning to do, photosynthesise? We all pay for the electricity in this house you know!

[turns it off and leaves, slamming the door]

NEIL: [still strumming, begins singing] Hello darkness my old friend....

[SCENE: Rick is standing outside his closed bedroom door]

RICK: [shouting to whomever might be inside] Vyvyan! I know you're in my bedroom preparing one of your desperately adult practical jokes! So anything ghastly that happens to me in the next five minutes isn't funny at all! Because I know it's going to happen! So, the jokes on you, isn't it?

[CUT To: Inside bedroom. While Rick is talking to the door, his stuffed animals are on his bed having sex. One of them screams, and the other one jumps off. Rick enters with head tucked and with arms wildly waving, shouting "Ow! Ow!", as if to fend off whatever unknown horrors await him inside. To Rick's great surprise, his room is empty, his bed is not burning; all appears in order.]

 RICK: Vyvyan?

[Nothing. Rick closes his door, expecting Vyv to be hiding behind it. More protective arm gestures and "Ow! Ow!"'s. Again, nothing. Rick throws off the bed covers, again with anticipatory arm thrusting. Nothing!]

 Strange. Maybe he's ill.

[Rick, beginning to feel safe, acquires devious grin, pulls out a key from his robe, and locks the door. He's breathing becomes more pronounced, as he takes a pocket knife and opens a secret compartment in the floor, from which he produces a Cosmopolitan magazine, which he clutches with naughty intent. He opens it up and jumps onto his bed. Suddenly, and with a great buzzing fury, a spinning saw blade comes out of the wall at Ricks feet, and rapidly starts making it's way up the bed, between Rick's legs. Rick, paralysed with fear, starts screaming, and somehow manages to leap to safety at the last moment.]

[CUT TO: Neil in the tub]

NEIL: What's that? [starts pulling something out of the tub] Oh wow! It's my bike! I was wondering where that was!

[CUT TO: Rick outside Vyv's bedroom door, which is boarded up. Rick is hammering in the final plank]

 RICK: Ha ha! [[Snort!]] Try getting out of that, so called, Vyvyan! [CUT TO: Down stairs, Vyv's looking in the fridge, atop of which is perched SPG, and Mike is on the couch reading Fangora magazine. Rick's upstairs hammering is heard]

MIKE: What's that thumping?

VYVYAN: That's probably Rick doing a bit of reading.

[pulls a bottle out of the fridge]

Maybe a bit of oil will do the trick?

MIKE: What, for the video or Rick's bedspreads?

SPG: Ooh! Have we got a video?

VYVYAN: Yes, we've got a video!

[walks into the drawing room]

[Rick appears, and goes into the kitchen to read his Cosmo. He hasn't seen the others. He sits at the table and lecherously looks at the bra ads or whatever, making horrible groaning sounds of bliss. Mike approaches unnoticed from behind and leans in very close to see what Rick is reading.]

MIKE: Hello Rick!

[Rick is quite startled and jumps up screaming. Brief shot of Vyv taking a hammer to the video player]

RICK: [recovered] Mike, listen! I've just boarded up Vyvyan in his bedroom!


[Mike, unimpressed, leaves to check on Vyv.]

 He'll be in for a pretty big shock when he gets up for his nine-o'clock tutorial!

VYVYAN: [stands up to where Rick can now see] Well, I think that should do it!

RICK: Vyvyan! You utter bastard! Why aren't you in your bed?

VYVYAN: Because I'm not going to bed tonight.

RICK: What do you mean you're not going to bed tonight? How dare you not go to bed tonight! I go to all the trouble to board you up in your bedroom, and you don't even have the common decency to be in there!

VYVYAN: Well, don't worry, Rick! It wouldn't have worked anyway!

RICK: And why not, pray?

VYVYAN: Because I swapped rooms with Neil!

RICK: What?

VYVYAN: Well I had to! I was sick all over my bed.

RICK: You listen here, young man. You're going straight up to Neil's room, you're gonna pull the planks off the door, go into your own bedroom, and nail yourself in! And.... What do you mean you're not going to bed tonight?

VYVYAN: Michael and I are going to indulge in an all night orgy of sex and violence!

RICK: What, in the drawing room?

VYVYAN: Yeah. First we're going to have sex with the Headless Corpse and the Virgin Astronaut.

RICK: Ugh!. Won't the carpet get awfully sticky?

VYVYAN: It's a video nasty!!!

RICK: [mockingly; still not understanding yet] It's a CARPET, farty!!

MIKE: The only trouble is, we can't get the bastard to work.

RICK: I'm not surprised if he's dead!

MIKE: Not the astronaut, the video.

RICK: [The lightbulb in Rick's head finally goes on]Ooooh! Have we got a video??

VYVYAN: Yes -- we've -- got -- a -- vid -- e - o!!!

RICK: Wait a minute, where did you get it from??

MIKE: Well don't spread it around, alright, but I know this guy....

[Somewhere, far off, a wolf howls]

RICK: What, you borrowed it off him?

VYVYAN: Yeah, more or less. There's a free offer down at the TV rental shop where you can get one on trial for the night.

MIKE: Yeah, so I sort of slipped down there and I had a word with the guy...

VYVYAN: ...slipped back, got his birth certificate to prove his age...

MIKE: ... yeah, forged our signature, and bob's your auntie's live-in lover.

VYVYAN: Except that they've given is a dud!

[throws the manual to the floor]

RICK: [mockingly] Given us a dud! Give me this!

[grabs the manual off the floor, looks at it, then holds it up]

Vyvyan, this is for a toaster!

[SCENE: Shot of full moon; a wolf howls. It is in heavy woods. We see only the feet of a man in a coat who is, with great effort, walking quickly through the woods.]

[CUT TO: the inside of a small cabin; two men are at a table playing cards. One of the men is in a dark turtle neck sweater, the other is wearing a ruffled shirt. They both have guns in shoulder harnesses. Suddenly, the door flies open, the man in the coat enters, and cries out, obviously in great pain. He falls to the floor; his jacket bears the blood of a mortal wound to the chest. The other two men appear not to notice any of this.]

RUFFLES: Shut the door, will you?

SWEATER:Some people always have to make a dramatic entrance, don't they?

RUFFLES: What's the matter this time?

SWEATER:[annoyed at the intrusion] I think he's been shot.

RUFFLES: You know what that means, don't you?

SWEATER:You've stacked?

RUFFLES: No, I'm going to have to shut the door myself.

[Does so. The wounded man is writhing]

Huh. He's bleeding all over the floor.

[To the wounded man]

Look! I've just washed this floor! [The wounded man grabs him] C'mon, let go of the trousers.

SWEATER:What's the matter?

RUFFLES: He's muttering, he's grabbing a hold of my trousers.

SWEATER:Maybe he's trying to apologise about the floor.

WOUNDED: [with great difficulty] You've gotta go to Geneva tonight!! 347 Rue de Cavignee. Ask... for... Alec... Guiness!!

RUFFLES: Hold it, hold it. I'll never remember all this. [to Sweater] Give us a piece of paper.

SWEATER:[gives him a card] Use that!

RUFFLES: [looks at it] Did you have the ace the whole time?

SWEATER:No, not that one!

RUFFLES: ...cause I wanted it...

SWEATER:... well I had it, but I...

[They engage in mindless banter while Wounded is dying]

WOUNDED: [screaming] Hurry, hurry!

RUFFLES: All right, all right. I'm not made of paper! I mean, I'm not a cheque!

SWEATER:[laughs] That very good, actually!

RUFFLES: That's rather good isn't it? I saw a comedian do it on telly.

SWEATER:I saw that! I think I saw that. What's it called?


SWEATER:Harry! That's it!

WOUNDED: Harry Secombe! For God's sake get a bloody paper!!!

RUFFLES: Look, it won't be in the paper, it was on last week!

WOUNDED: [The grabbing at Ruffles' trousers has pulled them down] You've got to go to Geneva tonight! The whole of Western Civilisation [gasps] depends upon it!

[pulls Ruffles close as if to whisper something, but kisses him, then slumps the floor]

RUFFLES: I know all that. It's just that I've got a really good hand here, you see, and anyway, I mean, how am I going to get airport, eh? Who's going to pay for the ticket? [to Sweater] Give me that paper, c'mon.

[back to WOUNDED, now dead]

What's the message? What's the message, c'mon

SWEATER:He's dead.

RUFFLES: How do you spell it?

SWEATER:He's dead.

RUFFLES: [gets serious] Look, Steve, I'm going to have to contact England. They're going to have solve this question once and for all.

[(INSERT: Several frames of wet hands with clay on a spinning potters wheel) Ruffles picks up the phone]'

[CUT BACK TO: Rick has joined Vyv in trying to get the video to work. Mike is on the couch, pulling the video tape from a cassette, and attempting to view it as if it were film.]

MIKE: Haven't you got that thing started yet?

RICK: Give us a chance, Mike!

VYVYAN: Yeah. We've made some toast!

[One piece of toast pops out of the front, then another. The phone starts ringing.]

RICK: Oh lordy, lordy! Who can that be phoning us up at this hour?

MIKE: Well, maybe someone's just died.

RICK: Oh you mean one of our relatives; yes, perhaps so.

[Rick walks towards the phone on the wall at the base of the stairs, then turns towards the stairs, looking up]

Neil! Telephone!

[CUT TO: Neil sleeping in the tub]

NEIL: What? Oh wow, I must have dozed off. Wow it's really dark in here.

[He pulls himself out of the muck]

Where's the light switch?

[Neil fumbles around, still half asleep, then looses his balance and crashes through the window]

NEIL: Ahhh!

[A couple of dull thuds are heard. Perhaps he bounced as he hit the ground]

[CUT TO: drawing room, phone still rings]

RICK: Press that button!!

VYVYAN: I am pressing that button!! [Vyv is using a hammer]

RICK: But you're doing it wrong! You're supposed to use your hand!

VYVYAN: What, like this? [smacks Rick on the head.]

[Neil enters through the kitchen door, still wearing a shower cap and not much else. He is filthy. For modesty, he is holding a red flower pot at his crotch. He makes his way through to the ringing phone, keeping his naked backside from view.]

NEIL: Hello? What? No sorry, you'll have to speak up.... I dunno, I'll ask. Hey guys! Do you know the name of a short comedian? Harry something?

GUYS: Yes.

NEIL: Yes we do. [hangs up]

MIKE: [Looks up and notices Neil] Hey Neil! You're filthy! Go and have a bath!

NEIL: I've just had one! It's amazing how dirty you can get in this house just answering the phone!

RICK: Hey everybody, listen! It was probably a dirty phone call!

VYVYAN: [grabs Rick by the front of his robe, and pulls him face to face] Shut up or I'll kill you!

RICK: [sarcastically] Oh, touchÈ, Vyvyan. What devastating repartee. Talk about Oscar Wilde.

NEIL: Oh, alright. Oscar Wilde, was one of the greatest British writers who was perscuted for his homosexuality....

[Rick approaches, and feeling that Neil is mocking him, starts slapping him]

RICK: Shut up!

NEIL: ... well in the early part of his career...

RICK: [still slapping] Shut up!

NEIL: Oh yeah, OK, be like that Rick!

RICK: Be like what exactly, Neil? BE like what??!!

NEIL: Be like a complete and utter drag and bring everything down in the whole world.

RICK: your trousers??!!!

NEIL: Don't you dare say that Rick! Flares are coming back in! I read it in my horoscope.

VYVYAN: [instigating] Yeah! How DARE he say that, Neil! Smash his face in!!

[Rick is taunting Neil by pointing to his own face]

NEIL: Well, I'm not into violence, right,

[grabs a large kettle from the top of the fridge with his one free hand, the other still holding the flower pot to his groin]

... but I'm really gonna smash your face in!

[Rick sees that Neil is serious, and runs to the other side of the kitchen table. Neil grabs the kettle's handle with both hands and raises it above his head, preparing to lob it at Rick]

RICK: [seeing a possible escape] Neil! How are you keeping that flower pot up??

[Neil looks down at the erect flower pot, and becomes overcome with embarrassment, drops the kettle, and runs upstairs.]

VYVYAN: Why won't this sodding video work!?

[punctuates with one good hammer hit]

MIKE: Vyvyan!

RICK: Hey! I've just had a revolutionary idea!

MIKE: What?

RICK: Let's raise a People's Army and seize control of the State!

[Suddenly, BOOM! A large explosion occurs just behind Rick, sending pieces of lumber and plaster everywhere. A bell was ringing at the same time.]

RICK: Oh no. The front door's exploded.

MIKE: Vyvyan!

RICK: Vyvyan!

VYVYAN: Vyvyan, Vyvyan, Vyvyan! Honestly! Whenever anything explodes in this house it's always blame Vyvyan!

MIKE: Well, who do you suggest we blame?

RICK: Thatcher!

VYVYAN: No. Blame whoever rang the front doorbell, 'cause they obviously triggered off the bomb I set up.

MIKE: What bomb?

VYVYAN: Well, I was worried that we wouldn't be able to hear the front door bell, so I thought I'd pep it up a bit!

RICK: Well I call it totally irresponsible! Fancy, coming 'round and ringing the doorbell at this time of night! Hey! I'll bet whoever it is will be pretty shocked when they find us still up!

[ENTERS: Postman, clothes torn and burned from the explosion]

POSTMAN: [with excessive passion] Cough! Cough! Splutter! Cor, an exploding front door! Stone the crows, the missus will never believe this 'un.

RICK: What do you want?

POSTMAN: I have a parcel [pulls out a paper from his pocket] for a Mister J. Balowski, Special Delivery!

[he's really hamming it up, and playing to the audience and not to the other actors]

VYVYAN: Piss off, postie!

POSTMAN: Sign here!

[holds the paper briefly high above Mike's head; Mike reaches for it but before he can get it, the Postman folds it up and returns it to his pocket]

Much obliged, I'm sure! And now... here is... your package!!!

[The others are appalled at his overacting. Rick clears his ears. Postman leaves and returns with a parcel the size and shape of a man wearing a bowler hat, with arms extended. It is all wrapped up in brown wrapping paper and string. There are many stamps and markings on it, some which say "TRANSVAAL". The postman has no difficulty in carrying it high, then lowering it and planting it down centre stage, right in front of Rick. He makes wild exit gesturings and begins to leave. A few members of the audience begin clapping meekly. Postman hears his, and returns for more.]

Oh, thank you, thank you

[he says as if this showing of appreciation were unexpected, and not what he'd wanted all along. The enthusiasm picks up and soon the whole audience is cheering and throwing flowers to the old fart, who is really eating this up. The others stare on, amazed. Postman even gives some of the flowers to Mike and Rick, who angrily throw them back at him as he exits. Rick throws in some "up yours" gestures.]

POSTMAN: [offstage]: How was that, Paul? Was I alright?

RICK: A package from the Transvaal! How strange!

POSTMAN: [offstage, continuing to interrupt the show]: I always think that one should do comedy absolutely straight or else it just isn't funny.

RICK: [loudly, trying to upstage the distraction] A PACKAGE FROM THE TRANSVAAL! HOW STRANGE!! I wonder what it could be?

VYVYAN: It's probably a shipment of very hard drugs!

RICK: Why does it say fragile then?

VYVYAN: Ah! Er, that's probably Transvaalian for "very hard drugs".

POSTMAN: [still offstage]: When I was in Eastbourne once in the rep, Larry said to me, "Excuse me, do you have change for the phone?" "Darling," I said, "you don't need to change for the phone!"

[The others are standing around during all this, unsure what to do. Rick nervously taps his fingers on the parcel. VYV's had enough of all this, and marches to the still open door]

VYVYAN: [in the loudest voice possible, and stomping his feet in the debris from the explosion] WILL YOU SHUT UP PLEASE!!!!!!!

[CUT TO: offstage, a page is helping the actor who played Postman put on a red velvet smoking jacket]

POSTMAN: Little squirt! He does one advert and he thinks he's Dustin Hoffman!

VYVYAN: Now then, where was I?

MIKE: You were over there by the door!

VYVYAN: NO! Before that, Michael! Oh God, I've got to stop sniffing this Ajax!

NEIL: [enters from upstairs, wearing a pretty blue dress with white lace around the neck] Listen to me! Everybody in the house listen to me!

MIKE: Shut up Neil! We're talking about the video!

[Mike goes back to the drawing room]

RICK: Yeah, shut up Neil! [follows Mike] We've got video's to talk about, haven't we Mike!

NEIL: Everybody in house listen to me because I have actually got something to tell you all which I think you'll find really interesting!

VYVYAN: Neil, why are you wearing that dress?

NEIL: That's the thing I thing I've got to tell you all about.

MIKE: Well Neil, we don't want to know!

RICK: [worriedly] Yes, yes. Who wants to hear about a silly old dress??


NEIL: I'm wearing this dress, right, because some really selfish negative-vibe merchant has boarded up my bedroom. So...

RICK: [claps once] Well, now that's sorted out, let's get back to the video, shall we?

[Vyv has taken a fascination to the fact the something wearing a dress is in the house, and starts giving Neil closer scrutiny. He starts touching the dress]

NEIL: like I couldn't get any of my own clothes, right, which I like really needed because I was, like, nude, so I want into Rick's bedroom, right, and all I could find clothes-wise, right, was this dress!

RICK: [very worried] Um... ha ha ha... [[Snort!]]... ah... [defensively] Oh! Oh! So you've taken to snooping around other people's bedrooms, have you Neil? Grubbing about and planting evidence of transvesticism, so as to topple me from my position as most popular member of the flat! Well it won't work!

[with hand on heart]

I've never seen that dress before in my life!

VYVYAN: [looking behind collar] Well it's got your name-tag in it Rick!

NEIL: Yeah!

RICK: Oh good, look, it's not mine! It's not mine! What would I want with a dress? It's not .... Look, I've got money, here take money

[puts something into Vyv's hand]

NEIL: Well I think we should tell the pigs!

VYVYAN: Yeah, me too!

MIKE: Guys, guys, I hate to say anything negative, but no. If the police come 'round, they'll grab hold of our nasties!

NEIL: [protecting crotch with his hands] Oh!

MIKE: The videos!

NEIL: Oh! Have we got a video?

VYVYAN: If anyone else asks that question, I'm going to stick their head through the window!

NEIL: Vyv, have we got a video?

VYVYAN: Right! Come this way Neil!

[walks into the kitchen, rips an entire window, frame and all out of the wall, walks over to Neil (INSERT: several frames of a close up of an outdoor faucet, dripping water in a steady stream. Several large white vans are visible in the background, but are out of focus)]

Sideways on!

[Neil complies by turning 90 degrees, and Vyv drops the window over his head]

NEIL: I still don't understand! Does that mean we've got one or not?

VYVYAN: [exasperated] Oh God!NEIL: I'm finding everything really confusing today...

[ZOOM IN: to the still-life poster in the background of the kitchen: "Early Victorian Breakfast Photographs"]

[DISSOLVE TO: the identical scene in real life. An old sailing song played on Accordion can be heard. PAN: to reveal five shabby men on the deck of an old sailing ship, its captain and some crew. Prisoner #1 is a dirty, balding man, missing most of his teeth]

PRISONER #1: [rather eloquently] Transported for life to the colonies, and for what? Scum I was to that beak, nothing but scum. 'Tis for my accent and my situation that I am condemned. 'Tis for the want of better graces and the influence they bring that I am to board this prison hulk.

PRISONER #2: And all those murders you done.

CAPTAIN: [to a woman who was out of view] Aged and toothless and bent old crone!

CRONE: How'd you know me name?

CAPTAIN: We wish to engage you as ship's cook and concubine.

CRONE: Oh yeah? What's a concubine, then?

CAPTAIN: It's a small, spiky mammal.

CRONE: No... that's a hedgehog!

CAPTAIN: In that case we wish to engage you in ships cook and hedgehog.

[A bell is ringing]

PRISONER #1: Hello mate. Say goodbye to merry England. It's ''stralia for us.

PRISONER #2: Quite looking forward, really. Son and daughter went out 'bout six years ago.And I haven't even seen the baby. Must be nearly four by now.....

[PAN: back to still life, DISSOLVE: back to poster in kitchen, ZOOM out]

NEIL: What? Wow! Oh, too much! Can I have a go at it guys? Please?

MIKE: Alright, alright, so long as you're very careful and you don't break it.

VYVYAN: Because at the moment, Neil, it's in absolute complete working order.

RICK: Yes, yes. So if you happen to press the button and it doesn't work, that means you've broken it and you've got to pay!

MIKE: £500!

NEIL: Anything, anything. [looks at a video tape box] Oh wow! Yeah! [Neil looks at the machine] Well it's not plugged in. [moves to the wall outlet] Oh no. This doesn't reach. Have we got an extension?

MIKE: In the kitchen.

NEIL: No, I mean lead, it doesn't reach.

VYVYAN: [exasperated] Oh God! [Gets up, goes outside, and pushes the entire wall of the house in so that the outlet is now close enough. Chunks of plaster fall. When this is done, Vyv steps through front window, smashing the glass]

RICK: Oh that's right Vyvyan, if the mountain won't come to Mohammed, smash the drawing room to pieces! That's very Buddhist, isn't it?!

[Vyv takes a cassette box Rick is holding and smacks Rick on the head with it]

NEIL: Right!

[plugs it in. Instantly, a picture appears on the screen, as well as a huge blue lightning bolt which connects Neil with the outlet]

Oh! Oh!

VYVYAN: That's brilliant Neil! It's working!

NEIL: Uh, Oh! Ow! Uh, uh.

MIKE: Stay just where you are Neil! That's fabulous!

NEIL: Uh, uh...

[CUT TO: the TV screen as the Video starts to play. There is text which reads:


[DISSOLVE TO: Hell. Fire everywhere, which gives a dark reddish glow. Somewhere in the distance a woman screams. Through the fire a She-devil appears, making sure the hair around her horns is tidy. She is dressed in a nice pink suit, and she is holding a whip. In this dim cave, she is sitting at a desk, which holds three large overturned plastic cups, labelled "1", "2", and "3". A damned woman is cast down into the cave; she appears at the entrance, moaning. She falls to her knees before the She-Devil]

SHE-DEVIL: So, what's it to be first then, dear? [indicates cup number "3"]. Head in a vice? [points to number "2", ...] Knitting needle in the ear?

DAMNED: [holding ear] Oh!

SHE-DEVIL: Or red hot poker up the jacksie?

[Suddenly the evil lighting vanishes and is replaced by nice bright white studio lighting. The fire vanishes. The Damned woman rises showing off a small box. Both women are now smiling.]

DAMNED: Thank goodness I've brought along my favourite pain pain-killer!

SHE-DEVIL: What ... [lifts cup "1" to reveal a similar box] ... Painaway?

DAMNED: Yes, Painaway! In my busy life as a working mum, nursery school teacher, and anguished soul cast into the pit for all eternity, sometimes I get those headachy pains; that strange washed-out feeling that you just can't explain.

SHE-DEVIL: [whispering, confiding] She's talking about period pains!

DAMNED: So, the next time you get one of those pains, I recommend a hysterectomy! And it'll be gone in no time at all!

[They smile at each other, then into camera, as cute jingle music comes up,]

[CUT TO: still of the Painaway box with caption: FOR FAST QUICK, EFFECTIVE PROFITS, OWN A DRUG COMPANY]

[CUT TO: Neil getting electrocuted. He actually looks quite absurd now, still wearing Rick's dress, but now his long hair is standing straight up from the electricity. He can't hold on any longer and the video stops playing. He is shivering now, paralysed against the wall, waving pointed fingers]

NEIL: Ooooo! Owwooo! Uhhoooo!

MIKE: Neil!

VYVYAN: I was watching that you selfish bastard!

RICK: Oh stop grizzling, Neil! Honestly, I'm utterly sick of you and all you stand for!

NEIL: Oooo, ahhhh, a-a-loook!! [pointing behind them]

[The three on the couch, Rick, Vyv, and Mike all turn around to see that a man in a black tux, a cape, and a top hat is standing where their package had been. He is covered with wrapping paper and string as he has evidently broken out of it. He has fake fangs, which cause him great difficulty speaking]

VAMPIRE: Greetings from South Africa!

ALL: Ahhhh!!!!!

MIKE: It's a Vampire!

VYVYAN: In a parcel!

RICK: In the kitchen!

NEIL: Hate mail! What are we going to do??

RICK: Only pop music can save us now!

[CUT TO: the group TheDamned have mysteriously appeared in the kitchen. The play for us the very appropriate "Nasty". In the opening bars, Rat Scabies (rhythm guitar), in a failed attempt to add some realism to their fake-playing to a recording, adjusts an effects pedal and does not strike a chord which we hear. The rest of the performance is quite good, with some spiffy video effects thrown in.]

[During the song, the vampire chases the boys upstairs, cornering them in the upper landing. They all cower behind Neil, who now looks quite afraid with his upraised hair.]

VAMPIRE: Excuse me, can you show me the way to the toilet?

[All pointing]

 VAMPIRE: Thank you!

[he rushes in and they lock the door from the outside]

THE DAMNED: (chorus) Catch, catch, the horror taxi; I fell in love with a video nasty; catch, catch, the horror train; the freeze frame gonna drive you insane....

[CUT TO: Vampire in the bathroom, whistling along with the song. He is shaving. We do not see his reflection in the mirror, just the shaving cream's]

[CUTS: of the band]

[CUT TO: outside the bathroom. For protection, Vyv is holding a cross, Neil is holding a plastic bottle of some toilet cleaner, and Rick is holding a cotton ball.]

VYVYAN: [talking through the door] Stay right where you are! I've got a crucifix and I'm not afraid to use it!

NEIL: Yeah, take it easy Vamp! You're messing with the big boys now!

VAMPIRE: (nicely) No, this is some kind of misunderstanding! I'm not a vampire! I'm a driving instructor! From Johannesburg!

[BRIEF CUT BACK TO: the band wraps up the song.]

VYVYAN: A driving instructor from Johannesburg? Prove it!


VYVYAN: OK. What should you never do in a box junction?

VAMPIRE: In a box junction, you should never enter it unless your exit is clear!

VYVYAN: Ah, true. OK. What's the procedure for the approach of a humpback bridge?

VAMPIRE: Approaching a humpback bridge, you should slow down and check in both rear view mirrors. If nobody is behind you should RIP OUT THE VIRGIN'S THROAT AND ....

VYVYAN: Ah hah! Gotcha, gotcha, gotcha! Driving instructor my bottom! You're a vampire and there's no denying it!

VAMPIRE: Oh, Outspan.

RICK: Neil, what exactly does "messing with the big boys" entail?

NEIL: Uh, this.... [squirts him with the toilet cleaner]

MIKE: [ENTERS: running up stairs] Well, I've tried the Battersea Dogs' Home and they won't take him.

RICK: Hey! You should have tried... the Doggesea Bats' Home

MIKE: Aw, don't be flippant Rick!

RICK: [explaining the joke] You see, because he's a vampire....

MIKE: Don't be flippant!

RICK: ...No, I just want to explain...

MIKE: Don't be...Rick!... RICK!!

RICK: I just want... well alright... ALRIGHT!! FORGET IT! Forget it!

MIKE: [addressing camera] This is actually very serious!

[Neil and Rick close in from behind on either side of Mike's head with "serious" expressions... Vyv sails across in front with a finger holding his nostrils open for view]

NEIL: What are we going to do??

VYVYAN: I know, why don't we bite him to death!

VAMPIRE: You can't bite me! I'm South African!

NEIL: I know, I know! Why don't we lock him in the toilet!

MIKE: We have locked him in the toilet!

NEIL: Oh... It was a good idea, wasn't it!?

RICK: Mike, Mike, what happens when one of us wants to "spend a penny"? He'll be able to see us won't he?

MIKE: I dunno, I'm thinking. [clap!] I've got it! Peter Cushing! We've got to drive a stake through his heart!

VYVYAN: Great! I'll get the car!

NEIL: [confused] ... I'll get a cushion.

[CUT TO: Downstairs, Neil runs to the fridge, Mike and Rick follow]

Oh no! We haven't got a steak! All we've got is this vegetarian sausage!

[Varoom! VYV crashes through the drawing room wall with his car]

VYVYAN: Right! I've got the car! Where's the steak?

[CUT TO: inside the bathroom, the Vampire is whining and scratching at the door]

VAMPIRE: [addresses camera] It's rubbish, this, isn't it, eh? You know what I mean? I mean, all the way from the Transvaal by second class post to end up in a filthy, dirty, horrible toilet in a television studio! I mean, people think that telly's great, you know, they tell me all the time that it must be great, but it's not. It's dead boring. And that lot, I mean, they're all dull as well, and they all talk about me behind me back!

[CUT TO: the actors who play Mike, Vyv, Rick, and Neil, relaxing between takes, playing cards. They are dressed as their roles, but Adrian and Nigel speak with normal voices. Rick and Christopher sound the same as their characters.]

ADRIAN (VYV): I hate him.

NIGEL (NEIL): He drinks like a fish.

RIK (RICK): Yes; he's got no talent.


[CUT BACK TO: bathroom]

VAMPIRE: but you see, the worst thing about television is: you see, I'm a Marxist comedian, you know, but em, since I've been doing television, a lot of me Marxist friends have accused me of selling out, you know. Like they make me march at the back on demos. They're all selling the Socialist Worker, and I've got to sell The TVTimes. So I'd just like to take this opportunity, on national television, to assure you all, comrades, that honest to God, I have NOT, sold out.

[grabs a small container]

...Anyway 'round about now, I usually have a Pot Noodle! It's a tasty... Ummm! Doesn't that look good! It's a tasty delicious little snack! Ummmm! Let's try some, shall we? Doesn't that look absolutely yumscious! Ohhhh! Let's try some, shall we?

[holds the spoon up to his nose, blocks the other nostril, as if he were going to snort it. Blows out instead, acting as if he were burned by the hot soup]


[CUT TO: downstairs]

RICK: [running for cover] The vampire has escaped from the little-person's room!

VYVYAN: I don't see what all the fuss is about! Vampires only attack... virgins!

[They all look worried]

MIKE: Uh, yeah, uh, I'm not worried for myself, Vyv. It's Rick and Neil I'm concerned for!

RICK: What, me? Rick? A virgin? Ha, ha, ha!!! Just try telling that to some of the foxy chicks who owe me favours!

NEIL: Well if Rick's not a virgin, then I'm not either!

VYVYAN: We'll soon be able to find out, won't we! 'Cause the vampire's gonna know! And if anybody gets attacked, then we'll know, that they're a sissy virgin! (God! I hope snogging with SPG counts!)

NEIL: [still holding the sausage] He's gonna get us! He's gonna turn us into vampires, and we'll all be dead, and yet still alive... like Leonard Cohen!

RICK: He's going to bite me first... I'm obviously the most succulent... Right! [runs to stairs] Mister Vampire! Mister Vampire! Don't bite me, I'm a hologram! Bite Neil! He's coffee flavoured!

VAMPIRE: Arrrrrggghhh!!!

MIKE: OK, guys! There's only one way out! We've all got to lose our virginity! Neil!

VYVYAN: But how Mike?.... Oh no!!! Bags not Rick!!

RICK: Bags not Vyv!!!

NEIL: Bags not ... Neil!

[ENTERS: Vampire from upstairs, to a thunderclap!]

VAMPIRE: OK! Who's first? My God, what a choice!

VYVYAN: Quick! Out the window!

[Mike gets up and starts by pulling the curtain. We hear a threatening trumpet chord. Mike pulls the curtain, illuminating the kitchen with golden sunlight]

VAMPIRE: Oh no! [looking at watch] I forgot about the time difference between here and Johannesburg!! Ahhhh! Ahhhh!

[Starts wildly writhing in agony, falls onto the couch]

RICK: Quick! Nail him in!!

[They all assist by folding up hidden parts of the couch. We can see that it really is a coffin]

MIKE: Thank heaven for Habitat's sofa-coffins!

[WAVY DISSOLVE: to sounds of ghouls wailing. Actors wiggle their bodies as before to enhance the wave effect. TO: graveyard. All are standing around listening to the story. Rick is nursing a bloody nose, probably from the earlier shovel hit]

RICK: ...So in fact, you see, all four of us have stayed up for the entire night! Now that's what I call ... anarchy!

VYVYAN: We never did get to watch the video.

GRAVEDIGGER#2: Have you got a video:


GRAVEDIGGER#2: I only asked!

MIKE: Oh no! The video! If we don't get it back to Harry the Bastard by half past nine, we'll owe him 500 quid! What time is it??

ALL: Half past nine!

[Suddenly the coffin opens]

VAMPIRE: Ahhhhh! Fooled you all! You fell for the oldest trick in the book, the old "strange parcel" routine. And you were completely taken in by my phoney South African accent!

NEIL: Oh really? I thought you were Australian, like David Bowie!

VAMPIRE: No! In fact... [rips off toupee and cape]

ALL: Harry the Bastard!!

VAMPIRE: The very same! And you owe me 500 Quid!

ALL: [in perfect unison] Well. What a complete bastard!

[The closing credits roll over FILM: The man who was playing chess with the Grim Reaper in the opening, is now a Ghoul who is caddying for the golfing Grim Reaper. We hear the same evil music used with the opening titles. We can't hear much, but the Ghoul is claiming to have found Reaper's Ball; then they appear to argue about the score: the Reaper saying "23", and the Ghoul insisting "27", then asks the Reaper why he doesn't just piss off then.]